I’m quite happy when I find tools from my meditation school that enable greater states of presence; presence in reference to Eckhart Tolle’s NOW teachings. Most recently, I’ve been focusing on OPENING.
Yes, opening. In truth, I could have titled every former entry on this here blog “Opening.” It’s one way to approach what ET calls “surrender to the present moment.” In practice…
I’m off on a walk down the street toward the water. I note some trash on the grass next to the sidewalk. A little part of me closes. If I were to comment on what’s happening inside when I see the trash, it would be something like, “What f**ckr left that s**it there?! Morons…” Usually it’s just a tightening that happens, and I walk on and forget about it. Now, however, when I notice the closing/blocking happening, my practice is to get fluid, open to the usual closing, and feel what happens.
Similarly, someone in another car irritates me, someone in line at a grocery store smells bad, or I just have a thought in my daily meanderings that is unpleasant. My job is to notice the closing, and OPEN instead; “Surrender to what is.”
Today, on a walk with my friend for his birthday, his mother piped up with some anti-immigrant talk. “THEY don’t pay taxes…” blah, blah, blah.
“Mom, your racist is showing,” he chastised.
“I’m not racist!” she insisted.
I noted over the next half hour that her comments had made me feel a bit…bad. Not just because my last name is Chavez and my maternal grandparents had spoken pretty much just Spanish if I remember correctly, but also for the general principle of what I call close-minded mentality.
I seriously considered saying something to her later on in the car on the ride back home, something like, “I know you didn’t mean it this way, but your comments earlier about immigrants hurt my feelings.” I was sure my friend would back me up on this point, and that saying something directly to her–rather than to him later–would be the best thing to do. But somehow I didn’t open my mouth. Why?
Because when I honestly asked myself where that impulse to say something was coming from, the answer was muddled. It wasn’t a clear impulse to clear the air and communicate. It was something else: I wanted to correct her, to make her feel bad and wrong for being a blockhead. In fact, I had to admit to myself that I had remained closed off to her the whole outing.
The truth of it was, I had arrived to meet them some part of me acknowledged I was judging her, and attempted to override the negative judgment. “I like your jacket!” I said. “Looks cozy and warm!” While on the one had I meant what I said, on the other, the caring part of me was attempting to override the nasty, shallow part. A certain amount of panic ensued when, later, I realized that in the absence of her needing some sudden and immediate emergency help, I could not override my basic feeling: sealed off from what I considered an “unclean” (smoking, mainstream diet, jaded, too much cover-up and t.v.), uninteresting person.
In truth, I have always felt a bit indignant that this person is the biological mother of my fantastic friend. “How dare she give birth to such a cool person!? Who does she think she is?! Poor guy! To suffer so…” And though I’ve only spent time with his mother on two or maybe three occasions, she has of course always been nice and welcoming to me, including giving me a little gift when I went to his parent’s house one Christmas.
Realizing my own close-mindedness, I calmly accepted that I couldn’t “correct” her in a way that was open and caring. The basic impulse was to make her wrong, and while it might have worked out fine and perhaps even been a good idea, I wanted a greater sense of peace first. In short, I wanted any comments I might make to come from a genuine place of caring about her and her well being as well as my own, and not a place of critique and criticism. But even when I tried to bring some opening toward her, I instinctively just could not. In truth, I would need practice.
As I mulled through these layers in the background while the socializing and pleasant chatting continued, I realized that my own original closedness to her came also from a place of fear and a relatively shallow layer. I could see that, indeed, with “practice” I would get to know the deeper parts of her being, and be less fearful/closed. Earlier I recognized quickly that her expressed irritation at “immigrants” was clearly from a place of simple fear. I could imagine that if I mentioned that my paternal grandfather had immigrated from Ireland, she would likely not have any negative reaction. (Of course, we know that the Irish were persecuted mercilessly in some cases.) People with dark skin, hair, and who speak another language, however, quickly inspire suspicion in those white folk who haven’t been educated about the cultural impact of suspicion and prejudice, and who simply have not ever had friendships or been exposed to people from diverse backgrounds. (This dynamic is an oversimplification, but will have to do for the moment!)
I find myself wondering if my version of opening is experienced by people who haven’t had the training I have had in my meditation school. Eckhart Tolle talks about “inner body awareness,” which is basically the same thing. However, with years of practice, I can very literally feel different layers of opening and closing, and “tune into” other people and where they are at. It’s to the degree that reacting to trash on the grass is potentially as multidimentional an experience as reacting to racist comments by my friend’s mom…because the ground of the experience is the same: my very own self.
