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I’m quite happy when I find tools from my meditation school that enable greater states of presence; presence in reference to Eckhart Tolle’s NOW teachings. Most recently, I’ve been focusing on OPENING.

Yes, opening. In truth, I could have titled every former entry on this here blog “Opening.” It’s one way to approach what ET calls “surrender to the present moment.” In practice…

I’m off on a walk down the street toward the water. I note some trash on the grass next to the sidewalk. A little part of me closes. If I were to comment on what’s happening inside when I see the trash, it would be something like, “What f**ckr left that s**it there?! Morons…” Usually it’s just a tightening that happens, and I walk on and forget about it. Now, however, when I notice the closing/blocking happening, my practice is to get fluid, open to the usual closing, and feel what happens.

Similarly, someone in another car irritates me, someone in line at a grocery store smells bad, or I just have a thought in my daily meanderings that is unpleasant. My job is to notice the closing, and OPEN instead; “Surrender to what is.”

Today, on a walk with my friend for his birthday, his mother piped up with some anti-immigrant talk. “THEY don’t pay taxes…” blah, blah, blah.

“Mom, your racist is showing,” he chastised.

“I’m not racist!” she insisted.

I noted over the next half hour that her comments had made me feel a bit…bad. Not just because my last name is Chavez and my maternal grandparents had spoken pretty much just Spanish if I remember correctly, but also for the general principle of what I call close-minded mentality.

I seriously considered saying something to her later on in the car on the ride back home, something like, “I know you didn’t mean it this way, but your comments earlier about immigrants hurt my feelings.” I was sure my friend would back me up on this point, and that saying something directly to her–rather than to him later–would be the best thing to do. But somehow I didn’t open my mouth. Why?

Because when I honestly asked myself where that impulse to say something was coming from, the answer was muddled. It wasn’t a clear impulse to clear the air and communicate. It was something else: I wanted to correct her, to make her feel bad and wrong for being a blockhead. In fact, I had to admit to myself that I had remained closed off to her the whole outing.

The truth of it was, I had arrived to meet them some part of me acknowledged I was judging her, and attempted to override the negative judgment. “I like your jacket!” I said. “Looks cozy and warm!” While on the one had I meant what I said, on the other, the caring part of me was attempting to override the nasty, shallow part.  A certain amount of panic ensued when, later, I realized that in the absence of her needing some sudden and immediate emergency help, I could not override my basic feeling: sealed off from what I considered an “unclean” (smoking, mainstream diet, jaded, too much cover-up and t.v.), uninteresting person.

In truth, I have always felt a bit indignant that this person is the biological mother of my fantastic friend. “How dare she give birth to such a cool person!? Who does she think she is?! Poor guy! To suffer so…” And though I’ve only spent time with his mother on two or maybe three occasions, she has of course always been nice and welcoming to me, including giving me a little gift when I went to his parent’s house one Christmas.

Realizing my own close-mindedness, I calmly accepted that I couldn’t “correct” her in a way that was open and caring. The basic impulse was to make her wrong, and while it might have worked out fine and perhaps even been a good idea, I wanted a greater sense of peace first. In short, I wanted any comments I might make to come from a genuine place of caring about her and her well being as well as my own, and not a place of critique and criticism. But even when I tried to bring some opening toward her, I instinctively just could not. In truth, I would need practice.

As I mulled through these layers in the background while the socializing and pleasant chatting continued, I realized that my own original closedness to her came also from a place of fear and a relatively shallow layer. I could see that, indeed, with “practice” I would get to know the deeper parts of her being, and be less fearful/closed. Earlier I recognized quickly that her expressed irritation at “immigrants” was clearly from a place of simple fear. I could imagine that if I mentioned that my paternal grandfather had immigrated from Ireland, she would likely not have any negative reaction. (Of course, we know that the Irish were persecuted mercilessly in some cases.) People with dark skin, hair, and who speak another language, however, quickly inspire suspicion in those white folk who haven’t been educated about the cultural impact of suspicion and prejudice, and who simply have not ever had friendships or been exposed to people from diverse backgrounds. (This dynamic is an oversimplification, but will have to do for the moment!)

I find myself wondering if my version of opening is experienced by people who haven’t had the training I have had in my meditation school. Eckhart Tolle talks about “inner body awareness,” which is basically the same thing. However, with years of practice, I can very literally feel different layers of opening and closing, and “tune into” other people and where they are at. It’s to the degree that reacting to trash on the grass is potentially as multidimentional an experience as reacting to racist comments by my friend’s mom…because the ground of the experience is the same: my very own self.

Yeah ok, I've used this photo before. But it's on topic!

I have a kind of evolving relationship to esoteric happenings such as out of body (OOBs, or OOBEs) experiences. On the one hand, PRESENCE is the main and only “goal,” “desire,” want, etc. Everything else is…content. On the other, metaphysical evolution can facilitate the ability to hold greater awareness of the present moment. OOB’s are a good example.

Don’t know if I’ve mentioned it in this forum or not, but ever since my early teen years, I experienced occasional sleep paralysis. Usually it would occur on my way to sleep…and I’d “get stuck between asleep and awake,” and end up struggling to move and even breath. It would take a LOT of effort to move some finger or twitch a didget or make some facial movement to break the spell. Even then, if I didn’t entirely change my physical position, I was likely to slip back into the horrid experience. It particularly happened if I was perhaps napping on a couch…an enclosed, cozy space.

So…what to do. In my meditation school, we have an exercise called “Night Practice.” It involves a lot of common relaxation procedures, and for several years I attempted to avoid getting too deep into it because I didn’t want to have the sleep paralysis step in, which it did here and there. Then, something dramatic happened…

In the summer of 2009 I was at my meditation school for a week-long retreat. We were doing a night practice in the temple, and I began to feel that familiar feeling of paralysis coming on. However, something subtle shifted in this instance, and instead of becoming paralyzed and ceasing breathing, I simply slipped out of my body. I found myself floating with clear momentum up…toward the ceiling and the rafters.

Shortly, of course, I panicked, which is a typical response when one realizes, “I’m out of my body…oh, shit…!”  This whole experience opened a huge door, and I realized: all of these years I was actually trying to pop out of my body, but instead I was having some subconscious anxiety attack about it, and the result was being “stuck.”

Since then, whenever I feel that familiar feeling of paralysis coming on, I can now just freekin’ relax! Usually then I get so excited about the fact that I might–oh my gosh!!–have an out of body experience, and thus undo the possibility of it. BUT…here and there I “chillax” enough that it actually happens.

I would note that…there is this interesting overlap between lucid dreams and OOBE’s. First, you’re in what my meditation teacher refers to as “fluid dimensional” reality, so sometimes door and other features of the space are in different locations. Second, like this morning, you encounter noises, voices, etc. that are just “in the space” that aren’t there when you’re in your body and “conscious.” Third, I’ve had what seemed to be dreams while also being somewhat aware of being out of my body. On the one hand, it’s an unmistakable sensation when the peeling apart happens, and you’re floating about. On the other, the “spaces” of dreams and out of body spaces are very interchangeable, if different at all.

Ok, so I’m not an expert. What I can say is that it’s an excellent exercise in PRESENCE to–again, as my meditation teacher instructs when you realize you’re out–DON’T PANIC. That’s usually the first thing that happens, and then *poof!* you’re back in. Also, reading two books in particular were absolutely indispensable in order to “normalize” the experience:

- D. Scott Rogo’s Leaving the Body

- Robert Monroe’s books on the topic…I read Far Journeys (far out!)

As these books *may* cover, a common, freaky experience is a lot of fireworks during the initial peeling away from your body part. This morning I experienced a series of intense waves coming from back to front horizontally through my body of energy…like as if I was being blasted with some vibration laser gun or something.  *…vvvvvvVOOOOOMMMMMMMmmmmmm…*  *…vvvvvvVOOOOOMMMMMMMmmmmmm…*  *…vvvvvvVOOOOOMMMMMMMmmmmmm…* Other times, it’s been like being hit by lightening. And still others it’s silent and simple as a feather…

In any case, there’s nothing like having an experience like this one to convince even the most dogmatic recesses of your oh-so-smart mind that the universe of possible human experience is way, way, WAY! vaster than it may think…

Today is about eggs. Oh no wait, bunnies. Oh no wait…baby Jesus? Jesus something…

When I began this blog in August 2008, it was meant to be a way of “reminding” myself on a regular basis about “presence” and Eckhart Tolle’s teachings. I believed the mechanism would be akin to having an appointment with a teacher on a weekly basis, and as such, would remind me throughout the week, “I have that appointment on Sunday. Do I need to do anything to prepare for it…?” In other words, “How awake am I, in this moment? Where is my attention?”

I must say, it served its purpose. Since that time Eckhart Tolle’s words have become an integral part of my life, pointing the way back to something more essential on a daily basis. I’ve even managed to meet and date for some span of time two guys who were similarly passionate about ET’s work. Both relationships were (and the current one is) of a much higher quality in terms of sustained positive interactions than most of my other past relationships.

In the words of my meditation teacher, “The work works.”

So now that I don’t really “need” this tool as a weekly reminder, I’ve set it aside to some degree. I’ve been evaluating if perhaps it can serve another purpose? Does it still have a place?

I do, in fact, feel connected to this way of expressing the contents of my head, life and spirit. As I sit here, a sweet, soft space has gathered above my head and in my energy. It’s a feeling of spirit…delicate, soft, moving. There is a magical “something” about articulating transformation, and perhaps moreover, the desire for it. There is a way that, when a desire from below wells up into consciousness, something above can land on it and dynamism is the result.

So I experience at last, writing itself can be a meditation, in a sense. “Opening up a space for something else to come through.” In this case, the “something else” is “care,” and the words are inspired by this, if not directly flowing from it. Still though, it’s clear that sitting here today, typing these words on this website has opened a portal to spirit. And in that way, yes, the blog serves its purpose today.

Driving back to Marin this morning, I snapped this picture on my phone. (Fuzzy though it might be!) Visible in the sky above San Quentin was one end of a somewhat elusive rainbow. As I neared Marin, it grew. Immediately my thoughts went to the men–mostly men–in that old building, wondering about them and their souls, and hoping that the rainbow might be evidence of some magic something in conjunction with them. Transformation. Resurrection of hope.

It is my understanding that, as long as there are human beings locked up in dungeons, a part of all of us is locked in a dungeon. Then again, it works both ways. As long as we keep parts of ourselves locked in dungeons, we will lock up real human beings. With regard to this, I feel as a clear, immediate reality that the greatest contribution I can make to “cleaning up” our human experience is this: unlocking, opening, bringing out into the light of awareness every single last bit.

I can feel how, in that paradoxical way, “the journey continues,” and yet, there is no where to go. I like to say, “Onwards and upwards!!” But for this work, “Inwards and downwards” is most relevant.

In my meditation school, we have a practice called “night practice.” It looks in many ways like a number of similar full-body relaxation techniques in which you systematically put your awareness in different parts of your body.

The other evening, with my awareness in my skull, I became aware of the bone structure of it. My skull. Bone. Flesh and blood over bone. It won’t last… The temporariness of the temporal body struck me. One day I will leave this body.

It’s with the fulcrum of pending death that life is–almost ironically–put into perspective. Maybe it’s just the power of deadlines to force organization, but death is sort of the maha deadline. Unfortunately for most of us, that means maha denial (until it’s impossible to deny any longer). It’s an incredibly passive denial–”I don’t really have time to think about death”–but I can feel there is a covering up there.

The nature of duality is a fascination. It’s through contrasting “life” with “death” that I can’t help but come alive. And yet, in this place called a body, on this living planet called Earth, “life” and “death” are both concrete, and, not so concrete.  I open myself up to the reality of impending death and life fills me up. I sit here, fingertips tapping plastic keys, eyes tracking pixels, breath moving silently–almost unnoticed–in and out, and one day, it just won’t be anymore.

In Eckhart Tolle, I feel that immeasurable peace that emanates from openness to death. In contrast, then there is everyone else. We grasp desperately at EVERYTHING. Our minds are like chickens pecking at every teeny, tiny little granular nothing, squawking and flapping when something disturbs. Oh, how to be the ground and the sky, as well as the pecking chicken.

There have been forces at work as of late–astrologically and in terms of the season–that have been very interesting to tune in to. This has definitely been the most “visionful” holiday season of my life, largely because my metaphysical vision has improved. There has also been duality in another sense: momentum toward awakening, and intentions for horizontal life improvements. A focus recently on moving forward with focused, certain aspirations for more money, more organization, and a more materially rewarding temporal experience in general. But this is the bit that needs attention: at the same time, openness toward experiencing and “creating a clear space of peace” (ET) around the parts that balk at such aspirations. Guilt, shame, self-consciousness, rejection. “Thou shalt not be materialistic.” But I am made of material…and yet, not.

Perhaps, in the end, it’s more about being open to the unknown. And, what could possibly be less known than death? I think I’ll start here. :)

I have been in a frightfully sour mood most of today and yesterday, with noticeable windows. It seems to me this mood is due directly to money, or lack there of, and specifically, bad accounting practices on my part. It’s also due to having done a temporary job that involved driving all over three counties for a couple of days, and referencing sometimes inaccurate directions as part of the tasks required. And all together, I was very busy for several days, resulting in not enough time and attention on the details of sustaining my existence.

The result is irritability spilling over into a number of areas of my life. Interestingly, it doesn’t take much to recenter myself. Nor does it take much to un-center myself. I go to yoga and I’m feeling calm and centered. I come home and dirty dishes or what have you throws me off immediately. And yet, largely, I feel kind of ok underneath it all. I can, however, feel that a bit of wallowing in my state would bring me down quite readily.

So, I just downloaded the Sounds True album, “The Jewel of Awakening.” It’s their free holiday gift to Eckhart Tolle TV affiliated peeps I guess. I listened to the ET talk (which ended quite abruptly, but hey, it was free). It was helpful. Now I really feel the calm waters underneath, even though there are waves on top.

Wow, peace. Definitely a much preferred state. It’s amazing how there is really a lot of me that clings to states that are decidedly not peaceful, but scoffs at the suggestion of trying something else that might lead back to peace. And yet, those same parts are so desirous of something different from the present state.

 

Kissy-kissy.

 

It’s Sunday evening, here on the left coast, around 7:15 PM. I’ve had a rather full day of learning this, practicing that, making food, and reading. Now what?

I’ve been meaning to get my copy of A New Earth back from someone to whom I lent it. Oops! But he really seemed to need it at the time. It is times like this that I could use the perspective.  Perhaps an episode on Oprah.com is called for.

Because you see, I am in this mode of “doing,” and while intellectually I “know” that being is primary, at the moment my “presence power” is a bit low. Ok, here we go.

Breath.

Etheric body. (Wow. Electric impulse running through even a detached keyboard.)

SEEING, actually seeing the objects in my environment. Yes, most of them are still, unlike my mind.

Ok, it took about five minutes, but I can see and feel now what’s going on. I’m having emotions! Lordy. Females are weird. Well, maybe more like feelings, but in any case, I’m going to put on maybe some Hafiz poetry, and set myself up in the living room with art supplies…and tea.

Hmmm. Perhaps there is a way to put some controls in place such that I more quickly recognize what’s going when I find myself in this state in the future.

I had an apostrophe. (Yes, I watched Hook recently.) Briefly, this morning, I experienced the reality that there is far, far, far more empty space, stillness, and silence in the world (and probably Universe) than there are objects, movement, or noise.

By extension, this seems to be true about my own being as well. I’ve experienced this briefly in the past, but of course forgot. Throughout the morning I have been referencing the vast amount of empty space that comprises the great majority of my environs, and then feeling that empty space, stillness, and silence in myself. It’s a slow process of re-training.

I’m recalling one of my absolute favorite Eckhart Tolle passages. It’s the one where he begins with, “Go out on a clear night…” discusses “the inconceivable vastness of it,” and goes on to describes empty space as “the body of God.” I have been tempted to retype whole books just so I can do a word find to access particular passages!

Back to space…

I was re-watching Eckhart Tolle’s Flowering of Human Consciousness DVD the other day, and I was struck in particular by this concept of perceiving myself as nameless. He characterizes your name as a basket into which you pile your life experience, and put it on as “yourself,” when in reality, it’s not YOU, it’s just that: your life experience.

So, the suggested practice is to not “derive your sense of self” from your name, and thus, your experiences.

I actually found a similar state of presence via “forgetting” what day of the week it is. I think the same could be possible from “forgetting” what time of the day it is, or any other orienting fact, like where I am in the world.

So, if I drop my name (my “basket), my location and the time and day…what is left? A whole heck of a lot of wide eyed awareness: who am I and where am I!?!? But if instead of the potential anxiety created by the mind in a state of “disorientation”…perhaps a sort of voluntary amnesia practice could be fruitful.

Experimentations to commence.

P.S. Happy birthday, mom. :)

Driving in the auto sales neighborhood the other day, I spotted a lovely silver Porsche Cayenne for sale.

Typical reaction  step #1: “Ooooh! Pretty!”

Typical reaction step #2: “I’d look so cool in that!”

Typical reaction step #3: “Oh, but the gas mileage…”

Typical reaction step #4: “Yeah, I’ll never buy a fancy pants car unless it’s modern technology…internal combustion my ass.”

Really and truly, this is exactly how it happens, every time. As of late, however, somewhere between #2 and #3 I have Eckhart Tolle’s voice wafting through, “…unless you’re someone who still derives your sense of identity from your car…” (from one recorded talk or the other).  It dawns on me that in fact, I would see myself differently if I had a spiffy, fancy pants car…at least, for a while. And I would fully expect others would see me differently as well. I know I see people (at least, on first impression) for a spell based on their accouterments, not the lease of which is the car they drive.

Hmmm. What to do.

But it’s not just with imagined luxury automobile ownership that cars can be the perfect opportunity to push awakening. Driving is — or can be — an almost constant exercise in presence. Cars fly by (way over the speed limit!), cars cut me off (jerks!), I cut off other cars and drivers flip out (it’s not my fault you have a fragile little ego), traffic signals seem to take their sweet time getting around to “green” (ok, like, THIS YEAR!). Truly, the list goes on. Just driving down the road at a reasonable speed, surrounded by dozens of others doing the same, can inspire tension and anxiety.

Once behind the wheel, if there’s an opportunity for reaction, I feel it.  Sometimes I ignore it, but increasingly, I notice it, and try to see it more clearly. Eckhart recommends (again, in one talk or the other) simply allowing your little ego to be diminished, just feel it happen. Hmmm. Have I ever actually, really done that…?

To be continued, as usual…

“I don’t have time for presence.” That is the message in the background that sends me chasing my tail through my day. “Productive, productive, must be productive…” “I don’t have time to just BE! I have things to DO!” (I detect a note of self-importance there.)

Looking through Eckhart Tolle’s Practicing the Power of Now, there are a myriad of passages that speak to this. In particular he distinguishes between “clock time,” or referencing clocks for practical purposes, and “psychological time,” or living your life (as most do) in “identification with the past and continuous compulsive projecting into the future.” (Page 36) I think this paragraph summarizes my predicament  - and everyday mind set – quite well:

“Are you always trying to get somewhere other than where you are? Is most of your doing just a means to an end? Is fulfillment always just around the corner or confined to short-lived pleasures, such as sex, food, drink, drugs, or thrills and excitement? Are you always focused on becoming, achieving, and attaining, or alternatively chasing some new thrill or pleasure? Do you believe that if you acquire more things you will become more fulfilled, good enough, or psychologically complete? Are you waiting for a man or woman to give meaning to your life?” (Page 37)

My little ego is perturbed by this admonition, but it’s true, after all. It’s also true that my days are relatively pleasant - really minor challenges on a daily basis – but I’ve learned enough to know that this won’t last. Inevitably something will break the relative normalcy and coziness of my current existence. I would rather awakening be the result of my own intention to awaken rather than huge waves that knock me over and force me to wake the freekin-frack up.

So, my homework is to keep an eye on this part of me that nags and nags me to “Keep going, going, going…” Reminds me of the dream I had during a nap today in which I couldn’t get past a certain place on the stairs in my house no matter how much I seemed to be moving my legs and feet. And I could look back up the stairs, but not see down very far…

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