January 24, 2010–Moment to Moment

Anne Lamott, in her book “Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life,” make a comment along the lines, ‘A character in a story is someone who actually gets off the couch and goes and does something, rather than just continuing to sit on the couch.’ I’m making up about 85% of the words in this quote, but that was the gist.

As I am still a prisoner of my incessantly blathering mind, I kind of feel like a person on a train that tries to negotiate a stop or at least a slowing down here and there for a breath, for a view, for a stroll in a park…before the bullet takes off again.  I still have not taken position as the conscious conductor of the train…with a handful of moments when I do. (And in those moments it’s more like I just open my whole head and become the dominant conscious being in the whole space, with the train, the occupants, the tracks, the surrounding countryside all…in a sense, in me. It’s not even like I have to go kick the poor bastard out of his conductor seat and put on his cap.) Which is to say, a lot of my moments are spent in negotiation of which “doing” I should execute next.  ”Go pick up a couple of tension rods for the house? Or laundry…? Or wipe up the new ant trail? Or budgeting? Or do my blog? Or listen to an Eckhart Tolle talk? Or…meditate?” And I either pick one, or another, or continue to stare off into space for forty-five minutes, with flights of fancy interspersed with, “What should I be doing…?”  Or take a nap…

And then I have a moment that is like standing on the platform from where the shuttle takes off, brought to me by, for example, a quote from Eckhart on the Chapter 2 Oprah.com installation, “It’s not me trying to change something inside me…it’s the arising awareness, and then the change happens.” Ahhh! My “to do” is “to Awaken,” which is the ultimate undoing, so, let me check in with some Tolle reading or recording… OR, not.  I am on the platform, glance in the direction of the shuttle, and out of a sheer lack of awareness in the first place, can’t shake off sleep enough to make this choice, and instead wander back inside the space station to do laundry.  Not necessarily to do laundry consciously, because that sounds…like too much effort.

Oh, the momentum of sleep. I’m really good about taking the bull by the horns and “making” something happen…WHEN I know it’s the right thing.  Paradoxically, while I know AWAKENING is the only real RIGHT thing that means anything to me, bulldozing my way to Enlightenment seems…well, hmmm.  Maybe I should try it.

January 18, 2010–Conscious Cookies

I set out this evening to make cookies AND work on enlightenment. Multi tasking…

This is another example of where Eckhart Tolle’s suggestions and a practice in my meditation school coincide.  Tolle suggests (I believe in The Power of Now) that it is helpful to choose a task that is simple and finite in time for putting conscious awareness specifically into that task for the duration of it. My meditation school has a practice called “clear mode” which is defined as “Performing an action with intention and full awareness,” etc.

Now, I must say here I am typing my blog while almost forgetting my cookies are presently baking in the oven. But, this is where practicality comes in: it’s almost 9:00 PM and finishing my cookies AND my blog entry need to happen ASAP!  Of course, burnt cookies are not practical…

What I got out of this cookie practice is largely what DOESN’T help.  Doing laundry at the same time, for example, doesn’t help with being present to the task at hand.  Nor the occasional text message.  Nor the myriad of thoughts about tomorrow’s schedule, not to mention the rest of the week, not to mention the rest of my life…

Interestingly, I totally lost consciousness when I licked the mixer blades.  ”Yum!” and then, out, for some time.  I’m speculating that eating unconsciously is a fairly common “practice” in this world.  Hmmm…

So, I made up for it by consciously eating a cookie, fresh out of the oven. Mnmmmm.  Oatmeal cookies with cinnamon and raisins and Ghirardelli semi-sweet chocolate chips.  Oh, and coconut sugar and organic butter and flour, of course.  Where is my attention right now? Chocolate….!!!!

January 10, 2010 — Landing

I was fortunate to be invited to an Awakened Wisdom workshop this weekend.  Half way through the second morning–Saturday–a couple of participant comments ushered in a subtle, monumentally new perspective.

Basically, a veil fell away and I could view the workshop from the place of the me behind the scenes that makes sure I stay open to opportunities like this one: spiritual and personal growth workshops, books, conversations, and practices. The part of me that just gently tugs and taps and suggests…from the background.  What remained lying on the floor, deflated, was the usual me, the cynical, critical, inpatient, and really very strangely neutral, watching, aloof me.  It watches, catalogs, judges, and files away for future reference. It reacts, but in a stealth way. It’s like the court recorder and bailiff in one.  And the effect is a bit chilly.

Suddenly I could view the group, individuals, Patrick Ryan, the presenter, with genuine warmth.  This me is also “detached,” but from a place of wholeness.  It’s an entirely different kind of detachment.  It’s more detached from “needing” anyone to be any particular way, and so I can meet the world just where it is.

Since then I have been consistently checking in to feel where I’m at with this. Have I put back on the veil or is the Whole me in front? It was very helpful to spend the weekend in a room full of people who are genuinely committed to their own growth and development and have caught more than a drift of what “awakening” is and means. And (in Clairvision language), the space was laid by Patrick, who has the effect of a large crystal vibrating at a pure, clear frequency…and he’s a kick too.

Thank you!

January 1, 2010 — Waking Up Hurts

There is one element Eckhart Tolle didn’t point out that is an integral element of this whole waking up process: it hurts.

He does point out that sleep can lead to so much pain that the only options are to die or to wake up.  ”Some pain bodies drive their hosts to suicide.” (I think that’s from Practicing the Power of Now.)  But there is pain inherent to transformation.

First, a bit about the pain. It can show up in oh so many forms. Maybe you suddenly (or not so suddenly) realize that your partner is not a healthy person for you to be with, and you just know that you must leave. Maybe it’s a job you are feeling called to leave, or a country. Or maybe–as for me at the moment–it’s just a pile of crap that’s been inside of you for a long time, and you realize it’s been running your life, and now you have to look at it and deal with it to successfully navigate your life in a healthier way. The painful part is admitting to yourself that yes, I have been behaving this way, and yes, for a long time and yes, I have to do something different. AND, there is tremendous fear around trying something different, and failing; trying something different, and those around you won’t be interested in this new person emerging.

Specifically, for me, Felicia, that would be “emotional.” I’ve typically been the controlled, “calm,” steady person in all of my circles, with very few exceptions. Even when I have “emoted,” it was usually in a controlled environment, and limited in scope and duration.

That works for me. Now, however, I’m once again coming face-to-face with the not-so-calm, not-so-serene, not-so-controlled part of myself that has been carefully managed for twenty years.  I FEEL. I realize intellectually that this is fundamental to transformation–FEELING what I’m feeling–but I’ve a whole cadre of characters and mechanisms that are built around staying in control, and liking being in control. *Sigh.*

Happily, Eckhart does offer a lot of help for this predicament. The one I return to most frequently is along the lines of “accepting fully” whatever it is I’m feeling right now, because once “a still space” is created around the non-peace, “the non-peace is transmuted into peace.”  (That’s also from Practicing the Power of Now.)  I just have to 1) remember, and 2) gather the presence of mind to initiate the focus on stillness.

Maybe my New Year’s resolution (or “resolve,” as my friend suggests) could be to feel.

December 16, 2009 — Irritation

Irritation. It’s a pattern I’ve started to recognize more often. I thought that perhaps writing a blurb about it might help to solidify my observation.

At work is the context I have observed most clearly recently. Basically, someone sends an email that strikes me as repetitive, unobservant, or somehow lacking.  I struggle for a moment with myself: how to respond?

I think I need a sort of method for handling these. It’s just so damn tempting to shoot back with some supposed correction or critique of his or her folly. But at least half of the time it turns out that I misread what they meant, or forgot something, or otherwise am in error for my own part. When it turns out the person was in error, then that’s just that…and life goes on. And sometimes, my shooting is met with warmth and pleasantness, and then I feel just stupid…and grateful he or she didn’t react as I had.

To be continued…

November 29, 2009 — Knowing

More and more my Eckhart Tolle and meditation school studies seem to meld in me, resulting in additional gains in consciousness, such that I can scarcely attribute a new, helpful manifestation to one and not the other.

A recent development that has my attention is a newly found ability to “tune in” to a situation before hand and feel what to expect, despite what the “down here” me may be hung up on. For example, having Tofurkey day at my house with friends and friends brining friends, I began to feel a bit tight…a bit perturbed almost. Who are these people and am I going to like them…?

Tuning in above, however, I just felt an easy, lovely sense that the afternoon/evening would go nicely, and to expect only pleasantness. This was, indeed, the case. Nice, thoughtful people all around in attendance, and yummy food.

Similarly, scheduled to meet someone from an internet dating site after only a brief communication, I noticed an unusual amount of dissonance about the idea in my “down here” self. Again, tightness, and even some level of aggravation coming from somewhere: who is this guy and why am I feeling so inpatient about this?

On my way to the tea date, I tuned in above: a clear message of sweetness and harmony. Certainly no trepidation  above, and in fact, a warm, twinkly smile feeling.  Heartened–though, still cautious–I resolved to be as alert and awake as possible throughout the duration of the meeting. Vertical awareness.  Since it turned out he is sincerely dedicated to personal evolution and developing ever greater awareness and presence, I made a real friend.

In this season of Thanksgiving (ignoring for a moment the baggage of genocide), I am feeling profoundly grateful for Eckhart Tolle’s body of work–which has been key to the unlocking of my awareness potential. I am also feeling profoundly grateful for the teachings of my meditation teacher, Samuel Sagan. What he makes available to us, his students, is far, far beyond anything I could have possibly hoped for.  I am also feeling grateful for the people in my life who are constantly challenging themselves, persistent in their striving to become better, more whole human beings.  I am blessed for such company.

November 11, 2009 — Bubbles

Finding again that when I get busy I am less likely to really show up, but with one critical emergent element: I find that stillness these days is closer at hand.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t make little slips here and there (permanent marker on the cream colored arm chair…oops!), but there’s a quality of…quietness that is more consistent. Just a few amps less white noise.

Also, a close friend commented the other day that she has noted a significant “softening” in me in the past several months. This would definitely be due to ISIS (a “deconstruction” technique/meditative practice in my meditation school), as well as repeated and repeated (and repeated) listening to and reading of Tolle’s books and talks.  I feel that ISIS clears a path, and the Presence teachings establish more of ME where there was fuzz. But then again, both do the other as well…

November 1, 2009 – Money and Time

I’ve started reading Getting Things Done, by David Allen, and Your Money or Your Life, by a few people apparently…

Anyway, I am liking the resonance of Tolle’s Presence principal with the general impetus of becoming more conscious about how I spend my money and my time. In particular with Getting Things Done, David Allen really comes from a perspective of “presence.”

I’ve noted in the past that it’s fairly common for me to pass through the checkout of a grocery store and when I get to my car, realize I have no idea how much money I just spent. Sure, it’s rarely more than a single bag of groceries and usually not even that much, but still, it’s clear I’m missing consciousness fairly frequently in this regard. Funny…I likely spend far more time worrying about money that I spend actually engaged in activities of managing it consciously. (Budgeting and paying bills really doesn’t take that much time.)

While I’ve had a faithful planner and calendar (Franklin Covey system) with me at all times except the shower since I was in…college or maybe even high school, I haven’t taken it to the level of budgeting my time. It’s more of a giant in-box (to use Allen’s nomenclature), and I don’t really take the time to go through it unless I think of something specific that I need from it.

I just spent a few hours today with the 120-something-page packet I downloaded (free!) from FinancialIntegrity.org (the Money or Your Life peeps). It’s really useful and eye-opening, even if you think you’re pretty much on top of things. Now I just have to spend the next month writing down every single inflow and outflow…been meaning to do it for some time anyway. Maybe I’ll remember to be “conscious of my inner body” when I do it.

October 26, 2009–Family

Visiting my mom and one of my sisters this weekend, I took the opportunity to flex my Presence muscles. On the whole, I did better over the weekend than I have on this busy Monday.  It’s interesting to feel individuals (who happen to be family members) from a place of curiosity. I think that’s often what’s lacking in the family interaction formula.

However, my mom hurt her leg and it got worse today and she doesn’t have health insurance. The “getting worse” part really undermined my Presence… quotient this afternoon. The whole mortality thing can do that…she’s not a spring chicken! I can feel the distant but inevitable need to be there for my parents in their old age reordering my priorities.

I can also feel the clear and distinct need to go and do a meditation practice to get some help and perspective…and maybe look into the health care systems of other countries as possible future destinations!

October 11, 2009 II — “Who’s ganna ride your wild horses…?”

“Who’s ganna drown in your blue sea…?!?” – U2

It dawned on me this morning that learning to disidentify from my mind is a fair bit like riding a horse…perhaps a wily horse. It’s got a life of its own, and drags me along, and it’s almost like I am the reactive horse. But it turns out that I am me, and the horse is over there, and I have a choice.  If I can just be brave enough to stand up and look around and get perspective for even a moment, the scene changes.

It’s funny but there really does feel like there is an element of courage (a bit like in my last post / dream last night).  I like the horse analogy because it’s reduces the antagonism.  It’s easy to think of the mind as the adversary, but I think of horses more as a force of nature and potential friends…if dangerous at times.  (I have the scar to prove it!)