November 30, 2008 – Making this moment the most important

Music

Awareness Scale: 4.65

I was just listening (again) to the Chapter 9 episode of A New Earth on Oprah’s website. So many elements strike me as monumentally important. I finally decided I could choose one and focus on it.

At about 1 hour and 11 minutes in, Eckhart says, “Live as if the present moment were more important than past and future.”

Hmmm. Interesting to look at the dual drama of awareness and asleepness happening in me when I contemplate this notion. First, I respond from a deeper place, “Yes. I want that.” Then, I try it on for size. Immediately I feel how I have a fear that arises. “But, that’s too much.” “But, I might miss something…” “But…but…but…”

Usually, that’s about as far as I get. A string of “buts” and I’m back to the merry-go-round. However, if I insist…a few moments of silence… “Eating this French toast at this moment is more important than rushing through it to hurry and write my blog.” “Sitting in the sun, feeling its radiance, of primary importance. Next tasks secondary.” But, springboard back on to the merry-go-round…

“Yes! Great idea!” and off I go with a litany of fantasies about “when I’m enlightened…” The interviewer asks, “Are you enlightened?” And I answer, “If enlightenment is no longer being run by my mind, then yes, I am…” And my mind compulsively plays it over and over and over for the gratification of the brilliance inherent in this profound statement…until finally the train of thought collapses under the weight of it’s own irony, and I can’t help but burst out laughing. 🙂

Awareness Scale: 5

P.S. The photo is of a room at the Jewish Museum in San Francisco (photo by my friend and his phone). Yesterday we visited the Andy Warhol exhibit and stumbled on the sound exhibit in this room. “The Aleph-Bet Sound Project.” The Hebrew alphabet made sound. Brilliant! Totally captivating, and well worth a visit.

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November 23, 2008 — Shopping

1 – 10 Scale of Awareness: 4.25

Today, I went shopping. Ross “dress for less,” believe it or not. I’ve been telling myself to do more second-hand store shopping, but today I went for close by and cheap, as opposed to far away, hit and miss, and cheap.

However, as I usually find clothes shopping a total drag (unless I have thousands of dollars to spend and oodles of time and great places to patronize..like that ever happens).  In light of this trend, I decided to go shopping “conscious.”

Before I left the house, I literally took about 30 seconds to pop open The Power of Now and absorb some higher consciousness vibes before facing the lower consciousness isles. (Fluorescent lights, endless messy racks, new fabric formaldehyde, pissy formaldehyde-sniffing underpaid employees.)

The body that you can see and touch cannot take you into Being. But that visible and tangible body is only an outer shell, or rather a limited and distorted perception of a deeper reality. In your natural state of connectedness with Being, this deeper reality can be felt every moment as the invisible inner body, the animating presence within you. So to “inhabit the body” is to feel the body from within, to feel the life inside the body and thereby come to know that you are beyond the outer form. Pg. 110

First, the other day as I was exiting the restroom at work (did you really need that detail?) I had a mini epiphany: peripheral body vision. Somehow, while I can do it, awareness of my inner energy field doesn’t really float my boat. However, peripheral awareness of my whole energy field is quite fun: it does float my boat. Immediately replacing “inner body” with “peripheral body” in the paragraph above, I had a new perspective: I’m simply on an errand to clothe my little temporal shell. No more, no less.

Wandering down an isle with this perspective, however, perhaps helped to account for my being unwittingly in the “Junior’s” section, and landing myself in the dressing room with five tunic-like dress-like top…things, every last one of which were totally wrong for me. Perhaps “thinking” has a place in shopping.

Back out in the isles, when I found my hounds of anxiety stirring in their sleep, I could check-in with my peripheral awareness (just here to choose some garb for my little body), and they would slip back into slumber. In fact, by the end of an hour and a half, I felt relatively fine, suffered only slight agitation standing in line at the check-out for ten minutes, and wasn’t in the least bit tired upon returning home.  I even found a nice sweater and a nice sweatshirt: both largely natural fabrics, which seemed to fit more readily with my peripheral awareness than plastics. (From that place, I could see no reason on Earth why I should choose anything remotely uncomfortable.)

Challenges: making decisions. Feeling my way down an isle is fine, but when it comes to, “Do I want to try this on?” “Do I like how it looks?” “Do I want to spend the money?” I got a bit lost. More practice (well, next time I get paid 😉 ) needed.

Scale: 4.25

f.c.

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November 16, 2008

Preliminaries:

I’ve decided to start noting at the beginning and perhaps at the end of each post where I am at in terms of my self-perceived level of awakening. Let’s try a scale of 0 – 10, with 0 (for shits and giggles) being George W. Bush, and 10 being Eckhart Tolle.

At the moment of beginning the first sentence, I was at about a 3. (Damn!)

I’m the type of person who, if you ask me if I’d be willing to vacuum your carpet, will not only vacuum the carpet, but much prefer to use the edger as well; in fact, to vacuum under the furniture as well as around it; in fact, to haul all of the furniture out and then do one big, thorough, methodical vacuum in one big swoop; in fact, do you have a rug shampooer? And by the way, is carpet really what you want? Maybe we could take this opportunity to replace your carpet with some nice, natural cork flooring.

This is a long-winded way of saying that no matter how small my task at hand, I prefer to operate within the context of knowing the largest picture possible. So, this quote on page 58 of Practicing The Power of Now is of particular interest:

“When we talk about watching the mind, we are personalizing an event that is truly of cosmic significance: Through you, consciousness is awakening out of its dream of identification with form and withdrawing from form. This foreshadows, but is already part of an event that is probably still in the distant future as far as chronological time is concerned. This event is called-the end of the world.”

It’s not just little me down here struggling to tap into the big me with greater and greater frequency so I can have a life with less and less needless suffering. Rather, when I read this passage, something lands. I can feel this passage as a possible example of Eckhart addressing “the knower in you who dwells behind the thinker” (The Power of Now, pg. 8). I can also see how the leanings of my ego could actually serve me in some ways toward the goal of enlightenment.

A) I’m not alone; I’m part of a team. A really, really big team called…Humanity? No, much more than just humanity. Life. Perhaps? “Consciousness.” “Beingness.” “Team Be.”

B) I’m part of something important. Yay me!

C) In that it’s “an event probably still in the distant future,” then maybe I’m a front runner and have a chance to get there before the masses; while it’s still really, REALLY special. Like the exclusive enlightened-before-everyone-else club.

D) “Probably still in the distant future.” So, maybe if I push it, it will get here sooner than later. (I’m in a hurry, damn it!)

Interestingly, while these elements are of the little ego. so far I haven’t observed them getting in the way of persevering (they may very well). Rather, as I mentioned, they spur me to take action…which might look like sitting very still and watching my breath.

Really though, I just like sitting with the basic premise that I AM AWARE. And, I AM AWARE OF BEING AWARE.  There was a time when sitting with this would bring on very disturbing reactions within my subtle bodies: crushed breathing; twilight zone space; and basic freak out, to the point I’d just have to back off; go back to sleep. Now, there is some twilight zonie space, but minus the other fireworks. (This is post a few years of what my meditation school calls “deconstruction.”) It’s more like coming up for air than being deprived of it.

Awareness scale: 4

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November 9, 2008

Just me at 4:45 PM PST and my laptop computer screen in an empty apartment, lounging on the couch, wondering if I have anything illuminating to reveal to myself.

Old Business: I have not watched Oprah.com/anewearth episodes at work at my desk before work, as I plotted to do in my last post. Getting to my desk early enough has proved challenging, not to mention remembering to bring headphones. Nor have I re-instituted regular breaks as I was doing previous to this position. Nevertheless, while still nowhere near sufficiently, I have in the past week taken moments while at work to re-focus on the present moment. And, I realized with increased work hours comes decreased creative time. Thus, Friday night through today I have spent significant periods of time in solitude, and Saturday I bought a graphite pencil and a sketch book, and even did a sketch.

It is my personal makeup that without significant periods of solitude and “involution” time I become bonkers. Stress levels rise, and Presence is reduced to an agenda item on a long list of to-dos. Creative time, meditation, and time in nature all contribute to stability and conscience.  I’m sure this is true for everyone to some degree, but for me, it’s crucial or the rest of my life tends to become radically unproductive.

I’ve also been noticing perhaps even more the incessant din in my noggin, particularly when I first wake up. It’s like coming back home to a party that never stopped, and as the minutes tick by, getting more and more wrapped up in the goings on, until I’m a full-fledged participant.

Come to think of it, my meditation teacher says in a CD talk something like, ‘Imagine being at a loud party and the guests just never go home. That’s what it’s like without meditation: the party never stops.’ Exhausting to even ponder. And yet, that’s what life feels like in the absence of Presence. With Presence, the party becomes a non-issue. I’m not reduced to a blathering idiot at the mercy of the outside environment and the inner din. It really is like being held captive…yet, the door is open. I can walk out any time I want to.

Ahhhh: Freddy Krueger.  I seem to recall that he couldn’t actually kill you, rather, he was responsible for scaring you into causing your own death out of shear uncontrollable fear. Now that I read the Wikipedia entry for this character, I see that at least in the original movie this element was present: if you weren’t afraid of him, he didn’t have power over you, and at least for the moment would go away.

I think that’s more in line with my relationship to my blathering ego. There are moments I can stand and look at it, rather than being harried by its constant barrage. In fact, it’s when the barrage becomes totally ridiculous that I sometimes get a reality check: “Is this really necessary?” It’s the general white noise that I have a real challenge waking up from: the bulk of my day.

I also stumbled on another delusion the other day. I was driving around with some sense of purpose, like my next decision about whether or not to stop to refill water jugs, or go to the Container Store, or go straight home, had some deeper meaning. It was somewhat startling to realize in a flash that I was looking at the routine events of my day as if they had some cosmic significance, and “I’d better choose wisely, or else,” when in reality, I was deluded.  I get caught in this loop, trying to make the “RIGHT” decisions, whether it’s where to go to school or where to sit in a theater or which chocolate truffle to eat. (“But which one is the RIGHT one?!”)  As if there’s some cosmic determination as to the “right” and “wrong” chocolate truffle.

Present example: the length of this blog post. I’m noticing my mind agonizing over whether I should have posted it a paragraph or two ago, and started a “November 9, 2008 II” post (for ease of digestibility/readers including me not being daunted by the apparent length of a post and deciding not to read it), or say fuck it and keep typing.  “But what is the RIGHT decision?”

It seems to me that this is a function of my ego: wanting to make the RIGHT decision, so as not to screw up and be guilty of failure.  (I am not a stranger to the label “perfectionist.”)  So, while I can reason myself away from this type of thinking–“It’s not what I do but how I do it,”–I’m suspecting that the consistent preoccupation with “right” is a part of my egoic structure that I can watch with increasingly frequency.

Funny, however, that even as I begin to ponder letting go of the string of this helium balloon that I don’t need anymore, I get a feeling of…of what? Of being the balloon floating out in space, unteathered, lost.

As I conclude my post, I’m checking inside: “What’s going on inside me at this moment?” (Pg. 49 of Practicing the Power of Now) I’m noticing a feeling of “doing,” of “what’s next?,” of residue from reviewing the notes of a scary movie (I’m super susceptible to scary movie things; it’s a Neptunian thing). Some feeling of, “Should I have had that last piece of chocolate? Do I feel a bit queasy? What do I eat now? I feel like calling someone and chatting…getting out of my own head…”

In general, not a feeling of ease. But as I let that be just fine–rather than a judgement–the tension…eases. “I’m not ok, and that’s ok. In fact, that’s just fine.”

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October 31, 2008

Cobalt Macha Mug

Listening to Oprah.com/anewearth, Ch. 4, Minute 13+, Eckhart commented sumthin’ very useful to me.

First, “It is much more likely that your planning is going to be fruitful if it is proceeded by a period of presence and stillness. Any mind activity is much more likely to be beneficial and creative if it is proceeded by a period of presence and stillness.”  So, walking in the woods–being PRESENT on your walk–proceeding planning, for example.

Then… “Then you apply the mind and say, ‘Ok, what do I have to do today,’ and then you make a list…”

When he made this second point, something totally clicked for me. I’m still mulling it over, but basically…

For a long time, I’ve adhered to this idea that it’s a good idea to plan. (Not that I do it as much as I think I should. Procrastination.) It seems so many resources are wasted in the world, simply from lack of planning, from my personal time to vast quantities of water, energy, etc. However, most people don’t feel that planning is important enough to warrant stopping what they are doing to plan (“I’m too busy to think about what I’m doing!”), and some even specifically rebel against this activity (like the last guy I dated; he had this samscaric thing against planning ahead).

My little ego feels vindicated: “Enlightened guy saying I’M RIGHT! You’re supposed to plan!” Of course, that’s not what Eckhart said at all. He simply said that if you’re going to plan, it and any activity requiring thinking is best proceeded by a period of presence, and then you enter into planning (or whatever thinking activity), and then you return to presence.

However, this is where I got excited. You see, he went on to say, “Once you’ve done that then you know this is what I have to do, so you’re not continuously in the next moment; you don’t project yourself…”  This basically sums up my underlying feeling that it’s a good idea to dedicate time today to planning for tomorrow. Then, once that activity is “complete,” you can go about being present today.  For people without responsibilities, perhaps this scenario doesn’t’t apply, but for most of us…

I’ve always sort of wondered at my “positivity” that planning is a good idea. Sure I’m organized and such, but this feels like it hits the nail on the head. In fact, now that I’m typing about it, I am reminded of a story I told my friend the other day about my time management while in the Green MBA program…

It was about five or six weeks until the end of the semester. Due dates were approaching, and I felt sure I was so far behind the ball, I could really fail. So what did I do? I got my smelly markers (berry, lemon, apple) and some large pieces of drawing paper and drew out a time line for the rest of the time I had between that day and the end of the semester. I calculated approximately how many minutes I spent doing each expected task each day, and after all of those mundane things were taken care of (from sleeping to showering to working to transportation between point a and b), how many minutes per day I had available for actual homework.

Then I guestimated how many hours I needed to complete each project. Compairing how much productive time I had available to how many hours of homework I had, I deduced that I had enough time, with a bit to spare, before the end of the semester.

Fewf!!! What a relief! And here I was sure I was too far behind, period. This process (that took no more than about two hours max) enabled me to be more present for each assignment than I would have otherwise been, worried I didn’t have time to really concentrate, because I had this and that and this and that still to attend to. And in the end, I did complete everything, more less on time!

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